Those Damned Indies: Is it showing off or just plain annoying? 3/11/10 by Amber Hutson It has been brought to my attention that of all the people who have been picked on, bashed, or ridiculed, it’s rarely of those quirky Industrials. You all love to hate them yet never say anything bad. Leave it to the wife to start a fight with her husband and his team. You’ve had plenty of time to prepare for this, so here it comes. I don’t know if everyone is afraid to say anything bad in writing about the great and powerful commissioner or what, but he should be your biggest target. He gets away with a lot and by not calling him out on anything, it makes him look invincible. He needs to be taken down a peg or two. I’m not sure how many, if any, pegs I get him off of, but I can at least trip him up a little or start the reign of terror upon him. The first day of Spring Training of the 2010 season brought out almost all the new Monday night teams along with a few of the veterans. Rumor had it that Brian Meyers had not planned on pitching during Spring Training; saving up the arm for when it actually matters. Yet, he was seen and photographed pitching during last night’s games. But wait. I thought you said no pitching until regular season? Then why would you pitch? Maybe because everyone else was having a good time and it’s been months since he’s thrown? Most likely not. I’m pretty sure it was to show off to the newbies. It was heard he told team members of the PF Flyers to “Be impressed” with his sweet pitching skills. Oh look at me, I pitch a Wiffleball so fast and make it do crazy things. I bet you’ve never seen anything like this before. Yeah, you’re a good pitcher, but damn, show a little modesty. Most certainly the loudest player on the Industrials (maybe even the league), team Captain Daryl Hutson, according to some *cough Travis Branch cough*, says he doesn’t know when to keep his big mouth shut. To others he’s the funniest man alive, especially when he yells sexual implications across the bar regardless how embarrassing it is. As if the strategically placed male phallus outlines weren’t enough for this bundle of randomness, his outbreaks of cleverly planned rants have been known to make the manliest men cry. His voice can be heard all the way from Flesher to Township Park on a crisp cool night. Honestly, does one person need to be that loud or is it just a cry for attention? My favorite is when he gets mad. He stomps around worse than a pubescent teenager pissed off at the world. I’m not going to name names or anything, but someone you work with says to take a Midol. Next on my rant list is Pat Kean. He’s one of the nicest guys you’ll meet and the most modest. Learn to take a complement. You’re like a woman. A little whiny woman who deep down thinks he’s better than everyone else because he’s left-handed. “I know I’m special. If I weren’t they wouldn’t have made scissors just for me” he told me once. I didn’t realize lefties were so self-centered. And no, I will not go out with you. How dare your persistence. You also need to stop flaunting those limbs you call guns. What, do you think you’re God’s gift to women? And I know Lukas [Pederson] is pretty and all, but he’s asked you to stop sending love letters because they’re getting weird. He said they were nice and thoughtful in the beginning, but you’re starting to ask for too much Like a merry-go-round, this next Industrial sure has taken a spin around the league. Pat Burnell has been on a different team each year he’s been in the KWL. What’s up with that? Make up your mind man. I heard from [Mike] Raber, that Mike Downs that he heard Kyle Hess mention that John Quardokus spoke to Kevin Marszalek saying that Jim Noel complained that Pat is just moving from team to team until he finds one that wins him the cup. Once he gets it, he’s retiring. Go out on top I guess. So, who will he play for next year? Maybe he’ll put on a little blonde wig and a skirt and join the Sitting Ducks. Daryl said your school girl costume needs to see a little sunlight again. Now that brings us to Don Kern II, oh what a piece of work. No one has had a chinstrap beard for as long as and as cleanly cut as DK. He prides himself in having the neatest strip this side of the Mississippi. You could say he’s a little obsessive. Daryl Hutson caught him using a ruler to measure the width of the beard. Later we found out that it was a scale version of his penis. For as long as most everyone has known Don, he’s been bald. Well, just recently he began growing it out. Maybe all the job searching is draining him and he doesn’t have time to shave. But the truth of it is he’s rubbing in the fact that all his friends are going bald and he can still grown a full head of hair. You know what they say about Karma, right? It’s not a skill that you can grow hair, so stop acting like it’s such a big deal. New guy. I knew your name but once I heard you signed with the Industrials, I forgot it. Not one day in the league and you’re already dead to me. Nice job. So, welcome to the over-heated train that is the Industrial Express. Congrats on the addition. But maybe you should do some research before you pick a team. They haven’t won the cup in 4 years, hell they haven’t even played in a Township series in 3. They fluff up their feathers like they are on top when really they are teetering around the middle. Good luck going anywhere with these guys. I guess my point is to quit putting these average guys on a pedestal and treat them like they really are; showy and annoying. “You’re only the baddest ass if you wear your sunglasses at night indoors.” ~ Me