Where Have All The Wifflers Gone? PDF Print E-mail
Written by Ryan Winfield   
Wednesday, 14 December 2011 12:28

Where Have All The Wifflers Gone? by Ryan Winfield 12/14/11

The 2011 wiffleball season came and went in a flash, and the 2012 season will be upon us quicker than a cocaine heartbeat. But what about the gap between Fallball and spring training? Last offseason, the league was abuzz with rumors of player movements, talks of disbanding teams, and planning for the upcoming season. This current offseason, all of the discussion, including website updates, have been deader than Walmart during the Daytona 500. Which left me wondering – where have all of the creative personalities been recently?

I took it upon myself to get to the bottom of the truth, and the results, to say the least, are quite shocking. Here are some recaps of what I uncovered.

Brian Meyers

It’s no secret that the 2011 left a bad taste in the mouth of the commish. His highly ranked team failed to bring home the hardware, while attendance and volunteerism issues pushed him to the brink last summer. I caught up with Brian recently, and discovered that he took a two month sabbatical around the country to try and figure out the meaning of wiffle-life. He first drove to London, OH, the site of the Wiffleball tournament where he found so much joy back in July. As he sat amongst the soybean fields, beyond the KFC Bucket fence, he did some peyote and listened for the voices of wifflers past.  Unfortunately, he was interrupted by a very large harvesting tractor, almost losing a leg in the process. His voyage then took him to Fairfield, CT, where the Wiffle brand ball was invented nearly 60 years ago. He sat with the grandson of the inventor, discussing the original intentions of the plastic invention. “Granddad created the game for all to enjoy. If you rediscover the joy, there you’ll find your heart.” The words struck a chord in Meyers, who returned to Kalamazoo disheveled and unkempt, yet at peace with his league.

Mason Everett

It has been common knowledge that Mason took a job with a marketing firm up near Grand Rapids, and settled in the nearby town of Saugatuck, MI. Of course, the pressure of a new job will take up the majority of time for just about anybody, but Mason has also been highly active around his new community. While telling most of his friends and family that he spends his leisurely time at the new Gun Lake casino, my sources tell me that Mace has been fully immersing himself in the unique lifestyles that Saugatuck has to offer. When I went to his brother Steve for comment on my findings, all he could tell me was that Mason’s new “Saddle Up” tattoo suddenly made sense.

Travis Branch

Trampled in a Black Friday stampede at Best Buy. Dead.

Daryl Hutson

His middle name isn’t Danger, but it might as well be after the offseason that Daryl encountered. Feeling the financial strain that the Ball Shortage of 2011 placed on the league, he took it upon himself to rectify the situation. Using his cat burglar skills acquired back in his pre-JCR life, he broke in to the MC Sports on Drake road through a ventilation duct. He filled a Hefty bag with over 10 cases worth of wiffleballs, and burst through the back doors of the store to his awaiting Miata. His stealth skills are second to none, however his poor planning left much to be desired, as he could only fit 1 case worth of balls into his tiny convertible. Hey, it’s the thought that counts.

Matt Jennings

Although Matt has yet to turn up in my investigation, I have uncovered some good leads. It turns out that Jennings has made a killing over the years placing bets against the Denver Broncos with an alleged bookie that only goes by the name “Nine Fingered Nate”. Since God despises Matt’s sinful gambling ways, he sent Tim Tebow to the Broncos to teach Jennings a lesson, with Denver reeling off five consecutive wins and setting the gambling addict thousands of dollars in the hole. It is only speculation going on some unreliable rumors, but it is possible that Matt is currently sleeping with the fish. Or working at the fish hatchery. One or the other is perfectly believable at this point.

Last Updated on Monday, 27 February 2012 14:23
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